Wandering Aimlessly

     I survived my first week and am starting to get in a little groove now.  It helps that my husband surprised me with an "Empty Nest Trip" after my son got his first college acceptance letter so with the trip rapidly approaching, I have been busy with planning, researching and organizing.  This has prevented me from feeling sorry for myself.  I mean, poor pitiful me - I have to go on a trip for the next 5 weeks to Europe.  Waa-waa-waa.

     Two days after we dropped our son at college, we had to take our daughter to the airport to head off for her senior year.  For a moment I was thinking that in just 9 months she will graduate and be back home with us (!) but I believe she will be a career student with plans for law school next year.  {Sigh}.

     After leaving the airport, neither my husband or myself were ready to go home to an empty house so we took a little detour to Barnes & Noble for some reading material . . . 

    All of this should keep me busy for the next 10 days!!  As I was sitting on the floor of the book store, I was pouring over the books and starting to feel a little excited.  Oh my gosh, am I allowed to feel that way yet???  Hey there must be something to this empty nest stuff.

     But back at home, I wandered through the empty house and could not believe how quiet it was!  Like picking at a scab, I had to walk through both of my kids' bedrooms and pause for a few tears and a lot of memories.  Oooh, don't think I will be doing that again for a while.  There were no wet towels and clothes to pick up off my son's floor and no makeup scattered all over my daughter's vanity.  I thought of all the times I yelled, "clean your room" but now they are clean and I don't much care for it that way.

     Down in the laundry room there were only a few scattered pieces to wash instead of the mountains of dirty clothes that usually reside on the floor in there.  Yep, neat and tidy and NOTHING to do.  I decided to dig into those travel books, but glanced at the sink as I walked by . . . 

     Pretty pathetic, huh?  Who would have thought I would be longing for a sink full of dishes.  I can't tell you how many times my husband and I checked our cell phones for missed calls and text messages, but there just weren't any.  SNAP OUT OF IT!  We have GOT to get a GRIP!  And just as I started to worry about not hearing from the kids, I got this picture in a text message from my son:

     I had to smile . . . he had found his way to Publix, got the necessities - a half gallon of milk and a box of fried chicken and I realized he was going to be just fine!!!

Time is Not on My Side

   Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.  The clock keeps moving (except mine doesn't make that sound because it is digital).  I've avoided thinking about it all day but that darn clock keeps reminding me of how many days and hours and minutes I have left.  What wonderful friends and family I have who have all commented, written or called today to make me feel better.  I particularly love one statement from someone who reminded me that Dorothy didn't set off down that yellow brick road alone.  She was with her friends and they all brought something to the table.  Cue Glinda and the munchkins.

     My husband and boy were fishing the last three days in Key West.  They crammed in one last bonding trip at the 11th hour.  I was feeling a little robbed of time, but when they came home today I took one look at them and realized they needed this time together.  I think I got it for the first time that my husband is feeling the same way I do, but grieving in a different way.  Being tough, holding it all in, teaching his boy to be a man.  Suddenly I was really glad they went.  They had a chance to make one more memory and the opportunity to teach a few more life lessons.

     I've gotten super pissed at my husband this past year as he has reminded me how it will soon be "our time" and how we are going to finally get to live!  I hated when he would say that because I felt like I wasn't living if the four of us were not all together.  He envisions a life of spontaneity with no rules and no calendar full of appointments.  No endless to-do lists.  No interruptions at the bedroom or bathroom door and no late nights wondering just when the hell our kids are going to come waltzing in.

     Hmmmmmmmm.

     I guess that doesn't sound so bad.  Maybe he's on to something. Maybe I was just pissed because I never allowed myself to "just be."  Maybe I wish I could just "go with the flow" more, like he does.  Or maybe I just am really tired of being the grown-up, responsible one all the time.

     Well, the car is packed and alarm is set . . . off to college we go in the morning! Thankfully I have two more full days before my daughter heads off for her senior year.  Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.  Damn clock.