Wandering Aimlessly

     I survived my first week and am starting to get in a little groove now.  It helps that my husband surprised me with an "Empty Nest Trip" after my son got his first college acceptance letter so with the trip rapidly approaching, I have been busy with planning, researching and organizing.  This has prevented me from feeling sorry for myself.  I mean, poor pitiful me - I have to go on a trip for the next 5 weeks to Europe.  Waa-waa-waa.

     Two days after we dropped our son at college, we had to take our daughter to the airport to head off for her senior year.  For a moment I was thinking that in just 9 months she will graduate and be back home with us (!) but I believe she will be a career student with plans for law school next year.  {Sigh}.

     After leaving the airport, neither my husband or myself were ready to go home to an empty house so we took a little detour to Barnes & Noble for some reading material . . . 

    All of this should keep me busy for the next 10 days!!  As I was sitting on the floor of the book store, I was pouring over the books and starting to feel a little excited.  Oh my gosh, am I allowed to feel that way yet???  Hey there must be something to this empty nest stuff.

     But back at home, I wandered through the empty house and could not believe how quiet it was!  Like picking at a scab, I had to walk through both of my kids' bedrooms and pause for a few tears and a lot of memories.  Oooh, don't think I will be doing that again for a while.  There were no wet towels and clothes to pick up off my son's floor and no makeup scattered all over my daughter's vanity.  I thought of all the times I yelled, "clean your room" but now they are clean and I don't much care for it that way.

     Down in the laundry room there were only a few scattered pieces to wash instead of the mountains of dirty clothes that usually reside on the floor in there.  Yep, neat and tidy and NOTHING to do.  I decided to dig into those travel books, but glanced at the sink as I walked by . . . 

     Pretty pathetic, huh?  Who would have thought I would be longing for a sink full of dishes.  I can't tell you how many times my husband and I checked our cell phones for missed calls and text messages, but there just weren't any.  SNAP OUT OF IT!  We have GOT to get a GRIP!  And just as I started to worry about not hearing from the kids, I got this picture in a text message from my son:

     I had to smile . . . he had found his way to Publix, got the necessities - a half gallon of milk and a box of fried chicken and I realized he was going to be just fine!!!

Let It Be

     No matter how hard I tried to drag my feet to slow down that carousel of time (courtesy of Joni Mitchell), the day arrived.  The youngest started college. I put on a Brave Face but don't think I fooled anyone.  The day was a blur of schedules and lines and check-ins and unloading and unpacking.  I tried to savor the moments with him but with the rush and people and new friends, we didn't have 60 seconds alone together.  Three years earlier, I had the same experience with his sister and I had to chuckle to myself at how similar those two are.  They were about to jump out of their skin with excitement, but refrained a little to make me feel better.  I remember that feeling oh so well.  Freedom, independence, making my own rules {sigh}.

     It was bittersweet but I did better than I thought, I guess because I feel I've raised two really happy kids.  They both have joy in their lives and who could ask for more?

My heartbeats

 

Moving In

     Yes, this is a hotel room.  My son drew the short straw and ended up in the overflow housing at school which is actually a Howard Johnson's hotel.  I was really bummed and worried that he would be isolated and the year would be much more difficult being a mile away from campus.  That is until I found out that 600 students occupy 8 floors - two people to a room with queen size beds, private baths, twice weekly maid service, free cable and HBO and a shuttle that runs all day back and forth to campus just a short few blocks away - walking distance really.  Poor, poor son - can you see how upset he is in the picture???

     In one hour, he had it decorated like this . . .

  
     The friends started to arrive and before we knew it, it was time to say goodbye . . .

I had been quietly sobbing in the bathroom five minutes earlier!

     The most painful part of the day was witnessing this:

     And so it is done . . . He is Happy, everything is just as it should be . . . Let It Be.

Time is Not on My Side

   Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.  The clock keeps moving (except mine doesn't make that sound because it is digital).  I've avoided thinking about it all day but that darn clock keeps reminding me of how many days and hours and minutes I have left.  What wonderful friends and family I have who have all commented, written or called today to make me feel better.  I particularly love one statement from someone who reminded me that Dorothy didn't set off down that yellow brick road alone.  She was with her friends and they all brought something to the table.  Cue Glinda and the munchkins.

     My husband and boy were fishing the last three days in Key West.  They crammed in one last bonding trip at the 11th hour.  I was feeling a little robbed of time, but when they came home today I took one look at them and realized they needed this time together.  I think I got it for the first time that my husband is feeling the same way I do, but grieving in a different way.  Being tough, holding it all in, teaching his boy to be a man.  Suddenly I was really glad they went.  They had a chance to make one more memory and the opportunity to teach a few more life lessons.

     I've gotten super pissed at my husband this past year as he has reminded me how it will soon be "our time" and how we are going to finally get to live!  I hated when he would say that because I felt like I wasn't living if the four of us were not all together.  He envisions a life of spontaneity with no rules and no calendar full of appointments.  No endless to-do lists.  No interruptions at the bedroom or bathroom door and no late nights wondering just when the hell our kids are going to come waltzing in.

     Hmmmmmmmm.

     I guess that doesn't sound so bad.  Maybe he's on to something. Maybe I was just pissed because I never allowed myself to "just be."  Maybe I wish I could just "go with the flow" more, like he does.  Or maybe I just am really tired of being the grown-up, responsible one all the time.

     Well, the car is packed and alarm is set . . . off to college we go in the morning! Thankfully I have two more full days before my daughter heads off for her senior year.  Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.  Damn clock.

How Do I Do This Thing???

     The countdown has begun...in exactly 3 days, I will officially become an "empty nester."  God how I hated those words in the past; associating them with old age, loneliness, boredom and uselessness.  And here I am, about to embark on this journey--kicking and screaming the whole way and grabbing on to anything I can find that is stationery to keep me in the place where I am comfortable and safe.

     At the risk of sounding cliche, I have been a mother for 21 years.  Overnight, that role will change when I move from "participant" to "observer" in my children's lives.  Yes, I know what you're thinking . . . I realize I am not the first person to go through this.  But I  feel like the first person.  Just as I had no idea what to do with that first little baby I brought home from the hospital 21 years ago, I have absolutely no clue about how to function in this new role being imposed on me.  Funny how I've come full circle.  I remember looking at my babies and thinking, "oh my gosh, I don't have freedom anymore!" And now those words are haunting me--I have my freedom.  But I don't want it yet--I still want to be needed.  Don't I have to get up tomorrow and pack a lunch or have a conference with a teacher?  Do the kids' need a ride to practice and did I schedule those dentist appointments?  But what about my son's haircuts?  How is he going to manage that laundry and will my daughter be able to juggle her bills and her love life?

     HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE!  When did I become REDUNDANT?

     Okay, okay I hear what everyone keeps telling me.  They say, "you are going to love your empty nest, and now you can travel and paint and do everything you've always wanted to do."  I admit it all sounds intriguing, and yet so foreign to me.  All those things I thought I always wanted to do have shifted to a distant compartment in my brain and what I really want to be doing is to still sit around my family dinner table and share the highs and lows of everyone's days.  I want to hug them each morning as they head off for school and to kiss them each night when they shuffle off to bed.  The thought of losing all of that to a dutiful weekly phone call and occasional visit sounds like a locked cage instead of a cozy nest.

     But hey, being a "glass half full" kind of girl, I've had my five minute pity party and now it's time to move on and try my best to embrace this new lifestyle.  And I'll just hope that all the other stuff people tell me about empty nesting is true; that my kids will spread those wings but always come home and how I'm going to be busier than I ever have been.  Well, that's to be determined but I don't see that I have any other choice.

     On Monday as my poor baby bird is trying to leap from the nest while I clutch him as tightly as I can - I will eventually release him, shed a tear (mostly for myself) and then slap on those ruby read slippers and head off to see the Wizard on my journey to distant and unknown territory.  So if you see "Surrender Dorothy" written in the sky somewhere, you'll know I've gotten myself into trouble.  Either that, or I'm on a beach somewhere hanging out with the flying monkeys.

Stay tuned . . .